The only way you can find how I REALLY feel

Check here if you want to see my complaints, problems and solutions...cuz I is one crazy lady...

Monday, June 16, 2014

A poem

                                                              I CRIED

                                          I cried today, for the sick and lonely
                                          I cried today, for the sad and tired
                                          I cried today, but the feeling only
                                          Left me open and strangely wired

                                           I cried today, but crying might
                                           Determine the soul to want to fight
                                           Relieve the mind and clear the heart
                                           Give the spirit a place to start

                                           Crying erases a lot of stress
                                           It eases the mind and I feel blessed
                                           To know that the humbled now can rest
                                           To this I now can attest

                                            The weak and strong now have a voice
                                            All mankind has a choice
                                            I cried today, and I find
                                            I cried today for all mankind

                                                       J. A. Whitehead


Saturday, January 4, 2014

My first random post of the year, erm blog....

Sometimes it take a random thought to figure out what to write about. I read a post from one of my FB friends whom I communicate with online regularly. I never thought it was a problem what she brought out but maybe it really is. 

People tend to follow you on the various places, spaces and blogs that you can formulate or create. What have you. I never really made it a point to check to see who follows, likes, stalks or hates what I write but I suppose I might should? Anyways, she mentioned in her own original way to the stalkers, fake-os and the like to GO AWAY! I can't stand you! That's the way she is..and she's right! I have had some disagreements in the past of people begging me not to share pictures or private information, so because I love them, I don't share it. My only question is this...if they aren't FB friends, how the hell would they know? Do they have spies all over my page? Do they lurk in the background just to spring on me at that one precarious moment when the fibro fog sets in and a picture or fact "accidentally" gets released? Just to pounce on me through various channels of communication? Or, do they just have nothing better to do but rattle my cage...any ways, I hope if they see this they will realize that my intentions here are honorable, just to find answers and not to pick fights. If you can really be offended by little ol' me, I feel really sorry that your life is that thinly transparent. I however, do not feel this way to my friends and family. Cuz, I'm proud of all of them, thus why I post pictures, make statements and randomly laugh or share happenings in my life. In a nutshell, I've got nuthin' ta hide. I really don't!

I am who I am. I've had many years where I would NEVER have the courage or balls to be me. I've always been outspoken, though many years of suppression have done their dirty work on my psychotic persona. I've had. Years of mental thinking, paranoia and the like, self hate and disgust in myself for how I look, act or even feel. It's taken it's tole. These last few years, I've been trying to come back to the real me, with improvements, more or less. Finding my own inner peace has caused me many sleepless nights, and will continue to do as much. I've discovered what everyone else has in this. Funny huh? That I find out that I am who I am, and no one is exactly like me. Sure, I have family and social traits that I've gained over the years through my acquaintances and friends, co workers, religious contacts and the like, but when it comes down to it, I am me!

Yes, I've made stupid mistakes and made people upset, lost friends and even family contacts. I'm sorry for them and the anger they chose to blame me for. Perhaps it's their turn to realize that you are the only ones feeling that way. That you are the one who has to learn that not everyone is out to get you. It's probably their time to search their souls, through prayers, writings or what have you. To wake up and understand that it's not all about YOU! If I write or share information about you, it's because I am either happy with what you represent to me or that I love you and I'm damn proud to be a part of your life. If you can't take that for fact, then I'm sorry and it is time for you and me to move on. I will always remember the good times, but I can't Waller in self-pity and I'm not gonna do it for you or anyone else... So as my friend says..."get the xxxxx outta my life if you can't take my love how I give it. I don't need your drama.. Heaven forbids, I've got enough of my own..

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Literary Genius? Maybe...

"Budget genius? Nope! I've made too many stupid mistakes in the budgetary line to claim to be a genius. In fact, I am far from it. We have been living in default for a few months now. I guess it's time to clean up our act." 

Sounds like something that could be said in politics now a days. Perhaps it should be said there. Just take their time and forget the hinges of "Obamacare" and any other excuse they chose to hang out for us. I mean both sides. What would it be if the healthcare issue wasn't there? Could they bring up another reason for stopping the budget crisis? Maybe or maybe not. Who knows! I couldn't guess, but seeing as they use pity reasoning, I suppose it could happen again.

I understand how they feel. I also know what it's like not to have healthcare with medical issues. It's a toss up. Both ways you pay for it. I saw a news story where people were giving their view of how things are with the Government shutdown. I noticed that the ones who didn't care had really expensive suits and fancy dresses on, where as the ones who were upset work everyday work clothes. This doesn't run along party lines nearly as much as it runs along money lines.

Yes, Tea-toting Republican portion have temporarily won. Yes, they have their way...but only 10% of the people in the U.S. of A support this way of resolution. The other 90%? Well, I guess we don't matter much. The big money people are happy so I guess that's all that matters.

Look... I'm not an advocate for free bees or for giving people everything they need. We all must learn to be self sufficient. It's the way this life was started here in America and for those who honestly can provide for themselves, they should. I'm not saying that we should let others starve, but we shouldn't let the unfortunate ( brought on by manners beyond their control), be it health issues or joblessness; go without. At least the basics of clothing, food and shelter. The lazy and greedy should also get what they deserve. I am no judge and it's not up to me but, having the true vision of God's plan makes it plain and simple to me. "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is a much better way of handling things. There are countries who have much less than we have and we are more willing to hand them what they need and I am grateful to help when I can. Perhaps we should treat this situation as a disaster because it really is one. More people are suffering due to lack of good health and joblessness than ever. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was worse than in the 1930's. God helps those who help themselves and he also taught us the concept of Charity never Faileth... You don't chose to follow God when it's convent and you don't decide what you think God will do. He's there for all of us. He doesn't say he won't be there if my opinion is different than yours...

Back to the first paragraph. It's my life. I know I have to do more to improve things and we as a couple are working on it. If writing a bit of personal information about my life put s a new perspective on things, then that's what I gotta do.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Sometimes things are not what they seem to be.

Most of the time, they are. Today, as I read through the many G+ and FB posts, I'm discovering a common theme. Everyone seems to be sharing something I am interested in. I know that's more of an obvious statement than I meant, but Im not sure how to explain it. Maybe a bit of background might help.

It started this morning with me sharing some information that was happening in the local area, blackouts, and accidents. I heard from people who don't even live close to here on this. I know it sounds normal to you, but I'm not usually one to gain much attention on these social networks. I am usually a follower and tend to agree with or protest against something shared or said. Today, I feel like sharing. 

One thing I like to share is my family pictures. Though I am limited somewhat on who's picture I show, I do share what I can. I also like to share pictures expressing my feelings, like the sea, land shots, animals and cars and so many other things. I like to share ideas and my religious outlook on life. I like to share prayers and encouragement to my friends, family and others in need or in thankfulness. I like to show people what I love, am proud of, emotional for and especially, how I feel.

I like to share my freedom of expression, something that seems to be closing inward everyday. I wish we could be honest and forthright about how we feel. I know that lately, there is a fear of Uncle Sam following us a bit too closely, afraid that we will share how we feel about something questionable. It's hard also to share feelings when people tend to be too quick to criticize what is said or shared. I wish that sometimes, people would see for what a person has to say. Seriously examine both sides of an issue and then make decisions. When we randomly make statements without checking the facts, we put ourselves into a bad situation. Its something that shows ignorance and lack of understanding. I don't mean we have to agree with the statement, I just mean we can try to understand why it is made. I know for instance that Mr. Snowden worked for the NSA, therefore, he shouldn't reveal the information that he did. Yet, at the same time, is it really fair that we shouldn't know our rights may be violated..privacy, information and such! How do we deal with this? He gets punished for violating his company's policy. Yes, but also maybe there needs to be a more forthright policy in what is public and what is private. 

I guess we as a country are still free and able to express ourselves, but we must look out. We don't want to end up having our freedoms and independence taken away. I know in these trying times, we can expect our actions to be questioned, but let's hope that some of the answers will be kept private.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

My mind...does it count?

Since I've had a lot on my mind lately, it seems too crowded considering how it works. So here goes to uncloud. 

I had an awesome day yesterday walking around the block with Gary and Cee Cee. She tends to strain at her leash so I am going to teach her how to walk correctly. I am working on her manners and socialization skills. It will take time, but I digress...( told you the mind is clouded). We walked at a good pace which is good for me. I'm so glad to have started my walking up finally on a regular basis.

Another thing we did was go to the Pismo Store Outlet. We checked so many places out and I found a few places that I may frequent when I get to my "fighting weight" so to speak. Nicer clothes that flatter me more and some shoes and trinkets... So nice to have new things. Not to brag, but just to be able to change my wardrobe around. Get word...

Other things on my mind are paying off all the bills when Pop's case is FINALLY over with the VA. Gosh it's been over 3 years since that began. We should be hearing or seeing something soon. I sure hope so. 

We finally found our church this week so should be going tomorrow. I really appreciate that we are finally getting settled in more. I told Gary that I still feel like I'm on vacation. It doesn't feel real yet. I guess when my routine becomes established, then I can finally settle into it.

We have started to explore the area somewhat so, it's really neat. From mountains to the ocean. Today, we are going to Napomo and a small garage sale here in town. Gonna take Cee Cee with us. 

Well, I'm still jumbled up mind wise so I will collect my thoughts on another post here. Have a nice day!!  Some of my boys below... Kyvon, Pop and Tristan...

Monday, April 22, 2013

Feelings today.

I am overwhelmed with love and sadness. I am truly excited about the move coming up within the next two weeks. Sad to miss special friends and happy to know prayers can be answered.

First... I am so ever grateful for all the friends I've made here in Fresno. We've had a lot of years here and I'm gonna miss seeing my friends. I've learned bunches while living here and met a lot of beautiful people. What I like best is that through technology and determination, I can keep in touch with most of them. I think I will miss Juan and Lori Avila the most. I remember the first day I met Lori. Almost 25 years ago, I came into the Purchasing Dept at the VA and interviewed for a job that I eventually got. I sat in front of her desk and knew right away we would hit it off. It's kind of rough to even write this. Since then, we have hung out with her through her loss of Richard Moore to a heart attack, meeting her kids and grandkids and me getting married to Gary. Finally, to her meeting Juan and getting married. My struggles with my kids and grandkids and just watching our families grow and enjoying each other. No other friend has affected me the way Lori has. We are complete opposites in some ways. She was raised in a town outside of Detroit Michigan and still follows their sports teams. True blue all the way. I'm gonna miss how we could visit and just hang out. Chatting about most anything. What was the best is the annual Super Bowl games, cheering for one team or the other and betting on final scores.everyone has had a chance to win... I'm gonna miss you the most girl.

Secondly... I am truly grateful that I was able to improve my life by meeting Gary, changing my health habits and getting closer to my church. I've known that Gary is truly inspired when he makes wise decisions. We've made some mistakes and we do pay for them, but mostly I am grateful for his love, patience, care and especially his understanding of my health. We care very much for each other and I know Heavenly Father led me to him at the right time. We have been married 22 years now... I am also grateful to his girls for making a special effort for us to be together on the coast. For Kim who made the ultimate sacrifice by sub letting her place so we could move and to Mel for getting things together for herself and Tristan. I'm grateful for my grandsons and soon to be grand daughter. I'm grateful for Nate and Mari who adopted us as "grandparents" to their small family of two.

I am especially grateful for the gospel and how it has changed my life for the better. Though I struggle to attend each week, I know that for me the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) is true. I know I've met good people here because of it and I will miss them truly. I know that God loves me and wants what is best for me. I know that this opportunity to live on the coast is the best I've ever gotten. I've always wanted to live on the coast.

Last but not least, I'm gonna miss my Punkyn Pye. She can't come with us and I pray that we can find her a new forever family to live with...Cee Cee came back into our lives just in time. She can't replace Punkyn, but she can fill the void somewhat by just being who she is...

Yes, Fresno served its purpose as did all the previous places have. Who knows, we might even end up back here again, though I hope not...

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Everything is relative

It's like that Kevin Bacon game, whatever that is. Everything comes back to the same start. After all, how could it be different? Just consider all the situations being felt around your life, around the world... Seems nothing changes so much as not to be predictable. The same trials, the same feats and yet, we learn nothing as we continue to fumble our way through life. The big shots get bigger, the nut jobs get nuttier and they all blame everyone for something that nobody did. Who is this nobody? Why it's you and me. We need to learn by our mistakes and go on, but too many people have not been taught responsibility.

As I ramble on, I realize that no matter how I put it, someone will be offended. Today?, I don't care too much about that because I feel it's important for us all to own up to the bad as quickly as we do the good... On that thought, doing good can be done modestly by not saying anything at all.

Quickly learn to accept our faults and fallacies and go on to change things for the better. I'm hoping for the rest of my life to be a better person, to share my good times and bad times. To smile when I want to cry and to share when I feel greedy. If we can retain anything, I would love to retain a memory of my good days and learn from the tough ones.

Let's just do what we can to share love and laughter, joy and cheeriness. Do what you can to retain your ups and downs and lets stick this Kevin Bacon thing out of the future and learn to change predictability