Feelings today.

I am overwhelmed with love and sadness. I am truly excited about the move coming up within the next two weeks. Sad to miss special friends and happy to know prayers can be answered.

First... I am so ever grateful for all the friends I've made here in Fresno. We've had a lot of years here and I'm gonna miss seeing my friends. I've learned bunches while living here and met a lot of beautiful people. What I like best is that through technology and determination, I can keep in touch with most of them. I think I will miss Juan and Lori Avila the most. I remember the first day I met Lori. Almost 25 years ago, I came into the Purchasing Dept at the VA and interviewed for a job that I eventually got. I sat in front of her desk and knew right away we would hit it off. It's kind of rough to even write this. Since then, we have hung out with her through her loss of Richard Moore to a heart attack, meeting her kids and grandkids and me getting married to Gary. Finally, to her meeting Juan and getting married. My struggles with my kids and grandkids and just watching our families grow and enjoying each other. No other friend has affected me the way Lori has. We are complete opposites in some ways. She was raised in a town outside of Detroit Michigan and still follows their sports teams. True blue all the way. I'm gonna miss how we could visit and just hang out. Chatting about most anything. What was the best is the annual Super Bowl games, cheering for one team or the other and betting on final scores.everyone has had a chance to win... I'm gonna miss you the most girl.

Secondly... I am truly grateful that I was able to improve my life by meeting Gary, changing my health habits and getting closer to my church. I've known that Gary is truly inspired when he makes wise decisions. We've made some mistakes and we do pay for them, but mostly I am grateful for his love, patience, care and especially his understanding of my health. We care very much for each other and I know Heavenly Father led me to him at the right time. We have been married 22 years now... I am also grateful to his girls for making a special effort for us to be together on the coast. For Kim who made the ultimate sacrifice by sub letting her place so we could move and to Mel for getting things together for herself and Tristan. I'm grateful for my grandsons and soon to be grand daughter. I'm grateful for Nate and Mari who adopted us as "grandparents" to their small family of two.

I am especially grateful for the gospel and how it has changed my life for the better. Though I struggle to attend each week, I know that for me the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) is true. I know I've met good people here because of it and I will miss them truly. I know that God loves me and wants what is best for me. I know that this opportunity to live on the coast is the best I've ever gotten. I've always wanted to live on the coast.

Last but not least, I'm gonna miss my Punkyn Pye. She can't come with us and I pray that we can find her a new forever family to live with...Cee Cee came back into our lives just in time. She can't replace Punkyn, but she can fill the void somewhat by just being who she is...

Yes, Fresno served its purpose as did all the previous places have. Who knows, we might even end up back here again, though I hope not...

Everything is relative

It's like that Kevin Bacon game, whatever that is. Everything comes back to the same start. After all, how could it be different? Just consider all the situations being felt around your life, around the world... Seems nothing changes so much as not to be predictable. The same trials, the same feats and yet, we learn nothing as we continue to fumble our way through life. The big shots get bigger, the nut jobs get nuttier and they all blame everyone for something that nobody did. Who is this nobody? Why it's you and me. We need to learn by our mistakes and go on, but too many people have not been taught responsibility.

As I ramble on, I realize that no matter how I put it, someone will be offended. Today?, I don't care too much about that because I feel it's important for us all to own up to the bad as quickly as we do the good... On that thought, doing good can be done modestly by not saying anything at all.

Quickly learn to accept our faults and fallacies and go on to change things for the better. I'm hoping for the rest of my life to be a better person, to share my good times and bad times. To smile when I want to cry and to share when I feel greedy. If we can retain anything, I would love to retain a memory of my good days and learn from the tough ones.

Let's just do what we can to share love and laughter, joy and cheeriness. Do what you can to retain your ups and downs and lets stick this Kevin Bacon thing out of the future and learn to change predictability

Fibromyalgia - The invisible hell

The last couple of days, I've been dealing. With a flare up. Hurts like crazy. It doesn't help that the weather is changing from day to day. My wrists and ankles are the worst. They settled Down while I took a nice warm shower only to flare even worse. Today, it is making me feel kinda upset and depressed. That has been a rare feeling for me as I do my best to stay positive. I need to get praying more. It's just hard to keep up a pretense so if I am frustrated, I am purely frustrated. I can't blame it on anyone else, nor would I intentionally do so. Heaven Father makes me feel better and also, knowing that I hurt, my baby girl, Punkyn Pye helps me to feel better.

Patience is a good thing. Today, I am doing what I can to make things better. I only wish at this moment, that I didn't have this problem. Grouchy and irritable and staying out of testy conversations today. No one else has to feel the way I feel nor do they have to incur my wrath because of it. I hope you understand that I'm not like this everyday and that most of the time I am a happy person. Just be patient with me as I will come out of this soon...... I hope!

I love today

I just sent some messages out to people I don't even know. It's funny as I write this I feel the spirit so strongly. I am humbled to know and know of people who struggle through life and through determination and courage, they accomplish miraculous things. I want you all to know that I have given my problems over to God and because of this, I don't feel the anger and frustration of the daily pressures of life. Yes, I want to move but it's more a lack of patience than anger that drives me.

People who don't understand some situations don't feel what I am talking about. I don't always make it to church, but my mine and heart are on Jesus Christ and the sacrifice most of the time. With the reminders from my wonderful family and friends on FB, I can keep my heart in a good place most of the time.

I am grateful for my church (LDS) and I know for me, it's true. I also know that all that I've been taught and what I am going through in life is for my benefit. I love my family and will be ever so grateful for the blessings I receive everyday. I love writing how I feel and I love seeing how diverse I seem to be...

Thank you for reading my blog and just letting me share some of myself with you. I'm truly humbled to have so much and appreciate all that I have...thank you again...love u all...

Living la vida loca

Or am I? It's a possibility that I could be. I've been brightening up my life with colors, many colors... Sticking mainly to pink and purple. I guess because of so many years of blues and solid colors, I've been gravitating to a happier field. I love it...crazy stuff. I just felt it should be noted as I just realized it was progressing that way. Another progress is that Gary is having a harder time driving at night. It scared me and Dad last night, so I took over and brought us home.

Two changes happening at the same time. Strange as it seems I guess I will accept the possibilities of these things and just keep enjoying my life. It has been a busy last few weeks. I went to Dodi and Brian's wedding and it was really fun. Suzie was so happy and I was really proud that Dodi found a very awesome guy. Debi, on the other hand is dealing with some problems. With a future of questionable availability of seeing her children, it will be a tough call. The divorce is final as of Monday, February 4th... She does have a new beau and he seems ok, though I hope neither one is rebounding from the problems they are having with their perspective former spouses. It's crazy...

This last month has seemed unreal in some ways. I still feel as if this isn't really happening. I know we are moving, but it feels like a dream yet. Well, since this whole thing seems sorta random, I'll try to write with more since next time... For today? This is how I roll....love ya.

Needing some respite

From the last couple of days. It bothers me that some people think they need full control of everyone's life. In this case, at the expense of everyone else. It bothers me that some people do not take responsibility for their own actions. It bothers me that they can't be nice. It bothers me that they pit their children against others because of anger from failure. It doesn't surprise me however that they fail.

Sometimes, people make decisions based on here say and anger. I know that Heavenly Father takes this hard just as I do, but he is able to help me and others go on. I can only hope that the main parties involved here can move on with their lives. Too bad it has to be suffering and hurt. I know I may be chastised for this blog, but if I don't say what I feel here, I may stick my neck into a noose and get hung later.

Please know that I love all of you and it hurts me that you hurt and made some not so good decisions. Understand also, that it hurts a lot of people when you practice anger and frustration because you don't get your way. Understand that my decisions are mine and DO NOT punish others for this. I offer my feelings on my sleeve because that is how I deal with things. It's my way of coping with life, rather than hanging on for a lifetime. I do know and understand your feelings, but I don't understand you taking it out on your kids. You thinks you are punishing the adults here, but the kids will feel it the most.

My life will go on, but my sister and her family will suffer from a few moments of decision and blame. I do not condone anyone's behavior here and I hope that some day, you will see that there are two sides to every situation. I'm not sharing this with everyone because I do not want an attack of any kind to happen as the result of me having an opinion on something. I hate that the young ones have no say in what happens.

Just remember, all parties will hurt and feel the frustration with this and that no one escapes the results of their hastily made decisions.... Love you all very much.....Jan

Memories of life past

As I sit here thinking of my past, not dwelling on it mind you, I can see the good and bad of it. I don't feel like I wish or what if but more like I learned and I enjoyed... I went to the memorial for Ron Haroldsen today. They talked about some of the things that happened around the time John had died and also when the kids were growing up. It was interesting to say the least to see these families, some of which I hadn't seen since they were around 2 and 3. It was nice to know that the kids still knew me or knew about me. I was grateful that I went. The only time I felt awkward was when I talked to the dad. He's still the same oh same oh and for that I mentally smiled. What did I expect? It was a good time in spite of the circumstances. I felt like a chapter was finally closed and that after 26 years I could finally move on. That's a nice feeling.

I've had a perspective on the issues of the last week. Lots of death some of which I wish didn't happen but it did and we must move on. The violence in Clackamas OR, and the mass murders in Newtown, CT. It was devastating to say the least. The whole world was stunned by the news of the deaths of 20 children (between 5 and 7) and 6 adults (teachers and the principal). What a terrible thing to happen. Heavenly Father was there...the school followed the protocol set up and the rest of the children and adults were made safe. I know the reasoning doesn't make since when we try to understand why God didn't intervene and save everyone. It wasn't to be for he had need of these beautiful children and adults. A wonderful blessing for them but at this time, it will be tough for the families and friends left behind, not to mention the rest of the world.

I know that Heavenly Father has plans for us all and I can only hope that I will be worthy to my part. He is there for us. He will guide us and protect us. He loves all of his children. Our hearts were not the only ones that were broken that day...