A poem

                                                              I CRIED

                                          I cried today, for the sick and lonely

                                          I cried today, for the sad and tired

                                          I cried today, but the feeling only

                                          Left me open and strangely wired

                                           I cried today, but crying might

                                           Determine the soul to want to fight

                                           Relieve the mind and clear the heart

                                           Give the spirit a place to start

                                           Crying erases a lot of stress

                                           It eases the mind and I feel blessed

                                           To know that the humbled now can rest

                                           To this I now can attest

                                            The weak and strong now have a voice

                                            All mankind has a choice

                                            I cried today, and I find

                                            I cried today for all mankind

                                                       J. A. Whitehead

                                           

My first random post of the year, erm blog....

Sometimes it take a random thought to figure out what to write about. I read a post from one of my FB friends whom I communicate with online regularly. I never thought it was a problem what she brought out but maybe it really is. 

People tend to follow you on the various places, spaces and blogs that you can formulate or create. What have you. I never really made it a point to check to see who follows, likes, stalks or hates what I write but I suppose I might should? Anyways, she mentioned in her own original way to the stalkers, fake-os and the like to GO AWAY! I can't stand you! That's the way she is..and she's right! I have had some disagreements in the past of people begging me not to share pictures or private information, so because I love them, I don't share it. My only question is this...if they aren't FB friends, how the hell would they know? Do they have spies all over my page? Do they lurk in the background just to spring on me at that one precarious moment when the fibro fog sets in and a picture or fact "accidentally" gets released? Just to pounce on me through various channels of communication? Or, do they just have nothing better to do but rattle my cage...any ways, I hope if they see this they will realize that my intentions here are honorable, just to find answers and not to pick fights. If you can really be offended by little ol' me, I feel really sorry that your life is that thinly transparent. I however, do not feel this way to my friends and family. Cuz, I'm proud of all of them, thus why I post pictures, make statements and randomly laugh or share happenings in my life. In a nutshell, I've got nuthin' ta hide. I really don't!

I am who I am. I've had many years where I would NEVER have the courage or balls to be me. I've always been outspoken, though many years of suppression have done their dirty work on my psychotic persona. I've had. Years of mental thinking, paranoia and the like, self hate and disgust in myself for how I look, act or even feel. It's taken it's tole. These last few years, I've been trying to come back to the real me, with improvements, more or less. Finding my own inner peace has caused me many sleepless nights, and will continue to do as much. I've discovered what everyone else has in this. Funny huh? That I find out that I am who I am, and no one is exactly like me. Sure, I have family and social traits that I've gained over the years through my acquaintances and friends, co workers, religious contacts and the like, but when it comes down to it, I am me!

Yes, I've made stupid mistakes and made people upset, lost friends and even family contacts. I'm sorry for them and the anger they chose to blame me for. Perhaps it's their turn to realize that you are the only ones feeling that way. That you are the one who has to learn that not everyone is out to get you. It's probably their time to search their souls, through prayers, writings or what have you. To wake up and understand that it's not all about YOU! If I write or share information about you, it's because I am either happy with what you represent to me or that I love you and I'm damn proud to be a part of your life. If you can't take that for fact, then I'm sorry and it is time for you and me to move on. I will always remember the good times, but I can't Waller in self-pity and I'm not gonna do it for you or anyone else... So as my friend says..."get the xxxxx outta my life if you can't take my love how I give it. I don't need your drama.. Heaven forbids, I've got enough of my own..

Literary Genius? Maybe...

"Budget genius? Nope! I've made too many stupid mistakes in the budgetary line to claim to be a genius. In fact, I am far from it. We have been living in default for a few months now. I guess it's time to clean up our act." 

Sounds like something that could be said in politics now a days. Perhaps it should be said there. Just take their time and forget the hinges of "Obamacare" and any other excuse they chose to hang out for us. I mean both sides. What would it be if the healthcare issue wasn't there? Could they bring up another reason for stopping the budget crisis? Maybe or maybe not. Who knows! I couldn't guess, but seeing as they use pity reasoning, I suppose it could happen again.

I understand how they feel. I also know what it's like not to have healthcare with medical issues. It's a toss up. Both ways you pay for it. I saw a news story where people were giving their view of how things are with the Government shutdown. I noticed that the ones who didn't care had really expensive suits and fancy dresses on, where as the ones who were upset work everyday work clothes. This doesn't run along party lines nearly as much as it runs along money lines.

Yes, Tea-toting Republican portion have temporarily won. Yes, they have their way...but only 10% of the people in the U.S. of A support this way of resolution. The other 90%? Well, I guess we don't matter much. The big money people are happy so I guess that's all that matters.

Look... I'm not an advocate for free bees or for giving people everything they need. We all must learn to be self sufficient. It's the way this life was started here in America and for those who honestly can provide for themselves, they should. I'm not saying that we should let others starve, but we shouldn't let the unfortunate ( brought on by manners beyond their control), be it health issues or joblessness; go without. At least the basics of clothing, food and shelter. The lazy and greedy should also get what they deserve. I am no judge and it's not up to me but, having the true vision of God's plan makes it plain and simple to me. "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is a much better way of handling things. There are countries who have much less than we have and we are more willing to hand them what they need and I am grateful to help when I can. Perhaps we should treat this situation as a disaster because it really is one. More people are suffering due to lack of good health and joblessness than ever. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was worse than in the 1930's. God helps those who help themselves and he also taught us the concept of Charity never Faileth... You don't chose to follow God when it's convent and you don't decide what you think God will do. He's there for all of us. He doesn't say he won't be there if my opinion is different than yours...

Back to the first paragraph. It's my life. I know I have to do more to improve things and we as a couple are working on it. If writing a bit of personal information about my life put s a new perspective on things, then that's what I gotta do.

Sometimes things are not what they seem to be.

Most of the time, they are. Today, as I read through the many G+ and FB posts, I'm discovering a common theme. Everyone seems to be sharing something I am interested in. I know that's more of an obvious statement than I meant, but Im not sure how to explain it. Maybe a bit of background might help.

It started this morning with me sharing some information that was happening in the local area, blackouts, and accidents. I heard from people who don't even live close to here on this. I know it sounds normal to you, but I'm not usually one to gain much attention on these social networks. I am usually a follower and tend to agree with or protest against something shared or said. Today, I feel like sharing. 

One thing I like to share is my family pictures. Though I am limited somewhat on who's picture I show, I do share what I can. I also like to share pictures expressing my feelings, like the sea, land shots, animals and cars and so many other things. I like to share ideas and my religious outlook on life. I like to share prayers and encouragement to my friends, family and others in need or in thankfulness. I like to show people what I love, am proud of, emotional for and especially, how I feel.

I like to share my freedom of expression, something that seems to be closing inward everyday. I wish we could be honest and forthright about how we feel. I know that lately, there is a fear of Uncle Sam following us a bit too closely, afraid that we will share how we feel about something questionable. It's hard also to share feelings when people tend to be too quick to criticize what is said or shared. I wish that sometimes, people would see for what a person has to say. Seriously examine both sides of an issue and then make decisions. When we randomly make statements without checking the facts, we put ourselves into a bad situation. Its something that shows ignorance and lack of understanding. I don't mean we have to agree with the statement, I just mean we can try to understand why it is made. I know for instance that Mr. Snowden worked for the NSA, therefore, he shouldn't reveal the information that he did. Yet, at the same time, is it really fair that we shouldn't know our rights may be violated..privacy, information and such! How do we deal with this? He gets punished for violating his company's policy. Yes, but also maybe there needs to be a more forthright policy in what is public and what is private. 

I guess we as a country are still free and able to express ourselves, but we must look out. We don't want to end up having our freedoms and independence taken away. I know in these trying times, we can expect our actions to be questioned, but let's hope that some of the answers will be kept private.

My mind...does it count?

Since I've had a lot on my mind lately, it seems too crowded considering how it works. So here goes to uncloud. 

I had an awesome day yesterday walking around the block with Gary and Cee Cee. She tends to strain at her leash so I am going to teach her how to walk correctly. I am working on her manners and socialization skills. It will take time, but I digress...( told you the mind is clouded). We walked at a good pace which is good for me. I'm so glad to have started my walking up finally on a regular basis.

Another thing we did was go to the Pismo Store Outlet. We checked so many places out and I found a few places that I may frequent when I get to my "fighting weight" so to speak. Nicer clothes that flatter me more and some shoes and trinkets... So nice to have new things. Not to brag, but just to be able to change my wardrobe around. Get beachafied...new word...

Other things on my mind are paying off all the bills when Pop's case is FINALLY over with the VA. Gosh it's been over 3 years since that began. We should be hearing or seeing something soon. I sure hope so. 

We finally found our church this week so should be going tomorrow. I really appreciate that we are finally getting settled in more. I told Gary that I still feel like I'm on vacation. It doesn't feel real yet. I guess when my routine becomes established, then I can finally settle into it.

We have started to explore the area somewhat so, it's really neat. From mountains to the ocean. Today, we are going to Napomo and a small garage sale here in town. Gonna take Cee Cee with us. 

Well, I'm still jumbled up mind wise so I will collect my thoughts on another post here. Have a nice day!!  Some of my boys below... Kyvon, Pop and Tristan...

Feelings today.

I am overwhelmed with love and sadness. I am truly excited about the move coming up within the next two weeks. Sad to miss special friends and happy to know prayers can be answered.

First... I am so ever grateful for all the friends I've made here in Fresno. We've had a lot of years here and I'm gonna miss seeing my friends. I've learned bunches while living here and met a lot of beautiful people. What I like best is that through technology and determination, I can keep in touch with most of them. I think I will miss Juan and Lori Avila the most. I remember the first day I met Lori. Almost 25 years ago, I came into the Purchasing Dept at the VA and interviewed for a job that I eventually got. I sat in front of her desk and knew right away we would hit it off. It's kind of rough to even write this. Since then, we have hung out with her through her loss of Richard Moore to a heart attack, meeting her kids and grandkids and me getting married to Gary. Finally, to her meeting Juan and getting married. My struggles with my kids and grandkids and just watching our families grow and enjoying each other. No other friend has affected me the way Lori has. We are complete opposites in some ways. She was raised in a town outside of Detroit Michigan and still follows their sports teams. True blue all the way. I'm gonna miss how we could visit and just hang out. Chatting about most anything. What was the best is the annual Super Bowl games, cheering for one team or the other and betting on final scores.everyone has had a chance to win... I'm gonna miss you the most girl.

Secondly... I am truly grateful that I was able to improve my life by meeting Gary, changing my health habits and getting closer to my church. I've known that Gary is truly inspired when he makes wise decisions. We've made some mistakes and we do pay for them, but mostly I am grateful for his love, patience, care and especially his understanding of my health. We care very much for each other and I know Heavenly Father led me to him at the right time. We have been married 22 years now... I am also grateful to his girls for making a special effort for us to be together on the coast. For Kim who made the ultimate sacrifice by sub letting her place so we could move and to Mel for getting things together for herself and Tristan. I'm grateful for my grandsons and soon to be grand daughter. I'm grateful for Nate and Mari who adopted us as "grandparents" to their small family of two.

I am especially grateful for the gospel and how it has changed my life for the better. Though I struggle to attend each week, I know that for me the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) is true. I know I've met good people here because of it and I will miss them truly. I know that God loves me and wants what is best for me. I know that this opportunity to live on the coast is the best I've ever gotten. I've always wanted to live on the coast.

Last but not least, I'm gonna miss my Punkyn Pye. She can't come with us and I pray that we can find her a new forever family to live with...Cee Cee came back into our lives just in time. She can't replace Punkyn, but she can fill the void somewhat by just being who she is...

Yes, Fresno served its purpose as did all the previous places have. Who knows, we might even end up back here again, though I hope not...

Everything is relative

It's like that Kevin Bacon game, whatever that is. Everything comes back to the same start. After all, how could it be different? Just consider all the situations being felt around your life, around the world... Seems nothing changes so much as not to be predictable. The same trials, the same feats and yet, we learn nothing as we continue to fumble our way through life. The big shots get bigger, the nut jobs get nuttier and they all blame everyone for something that nobody did. Who is this nobody? Why it's you and me. We need to learn by our mistakes and go on, but too many people have not been taught responsibility.

As I ramble on, I realize that no matter how I put it, someone will be offended. Today?, I don't care too much about that because I feel it's important for us all to own up to the bad as quickly as we do the good... On that thought, doing good can be done modestly by not saying anything at all.

Quickly learn to accept our faults and fallacies and go on to change things for the better. I'm hoping for the rest of my life to be a better person, to share my good times and bad times. To smile when I want to cry and to share when I feel greedy. If we can retain anything, I would love to retain a memory of my good days and learn from the tough ones.

Let's just do what we can to share love and laughter, joy and cheeriness. Do what you can to retain your ups and downs and lets stick this Kevin Bacon thing out of the future and learn to change predictability

Fibromyalgia - The invisible hell

The last couple of days, I've been dealing. With a flare up. Hurts like crazy. It doesn't help that the weather is changing from day to day. My wrists and ankles are the worst. They settled Down while I took a nice warm shower only to flare even worse. Today, it is making me feel kinda upset and depressed. That has been a rare feeling for me as I do my best to stay positive. I need to get praying more. It's just hard to keep up a pretense so if I am frustrated, I am purely frustrated. I can't blame it on anyone else, nor would I intentionally do so. Heaven Father makes me feel better and also, knowing that I hurt, my baby girl, Punkyn Pye helps me to feel better.

Patience is a good thing. Today, I am doing what I can to make things better. I only wish at this moment, that I didn't have this problem. Grouchy and irritable and staying out of testy conversations today. No one else has to feel the way I feel nor do they have to incur my wrath because of it. I hope you understand that I'm not like this everyday and that most of the time I am a happy person. Just be patient with me as I will come out of this soon...... I hope!

I love today

I just sent some messages out to people I don't even know. It's funny as I write this I feel the spirit so strongly. I am humbled to know and know of people who struggle through life and through determination and courage, they accomplish miraculous things. I want you all to know that I have given my problems over to God and because of this, I don't feel the anger and frustration of the daily pressures of life. Yes, I want to move but it's more a lack of patience than anger that drives me.

People who don't understand some situations don't feel what I am talking about. I don't always make it to church, but my mine and heart are on Jesus Christ and the sacrifice most of the time. With the reminders from my wonderful family and friends on FB, I can keep my heart in a good place most of the time.

I am grateful for my church (LDS) and I know for me, it's true. I also know that all that I've been taught and what I am going through in life is for my benefit. I love my family and will be ever so grateful for the blessings I receive everyday. I love writing how I feel and I love seeing how diverse I seem to be...

Thank you for reading my blog and just letting me share some of myself with you. I'm truly humbled to have so much and appreciate all that I have...thank you again...love u all...

Living la vida loca

Or am I? It's a possibility that I could be. I've been brightening up my life with colors, many colors... Sticking mainly to pink and purple. I guess because of so many years of blues and solid colors, I've been gravitating to a happier field. I love it...crazy stuff. I just felt it should be noted as I just realized it was progressing that way. Another progress is that Gary is having a harder time driving at night. It scared me and Dad last night, so I took over and brought us home.

Two changes happening at the same time. Strange as it seems I guess I will accept the possibilities of these things and just keep enjoying my life. It has been a busy last few weeks. I went to Dodi and Brian's wedding and it was really fun. Suzie was so happy and I was really proud that Dodi found a very awesome guy. Debi, on the other hand is dealing with some problems. With a future of questionable availability of seeing her children, it will be a tough call. The divorce is final as of Monday, February 4th... She does have a new beau and he seems ok, though I hope neither one is rebounding from the problems they are having with their perspective former spouses. It's crazy...

This last month has seemed unreal in some ways. I still feel as if this isn't really happening. I know we are moving, but it feels like a dream yet. Well, since this whole thing seems sorta random, I'll try to write with more since next time... For today? This is how I roll....love ya.

Needing some respite

From the last couple of days. It bothers me that some people think they need full control of everyone's life. In this case, at the expense of everyone else. It bothers me that some people do not take responsibility for their own actions. It bothers me that they can't be nice. It bothers me that they pit their children against others because of anger from failure. It doesn't surprise me however that they fail.

Sometimes, people make decisions based on here say and anger. I know that Heavenly Father takes this hard just as I do, but he is able to help me and others go on. I can only hope that the main parties involved here can move on with their lives. Too bad it has to be suffering and hurt. I know I may be chastised for this blog, but if I don't say what I feel here, I may stick my neck into a noose and get hung later.

Please know that I love all of you and it hurts me that you hurt and made some not so good decisions. Understand also, that it hurts a lot of people when you practice anger and frustration because you don't get your way. Understand that my decisions are mine and DO NOT punish others for this. I offer my feelings on my sleeve because that is how I deal with things. It's my way of coping with life, rather than hanging on for a lifetime. I do know and understand your feelings, but I don't understand you taking it out on your kids. You thinks you are punishing the adults here, but the kids will feel it the most.

My life will go on, but my sister and her family will suffer from a few moments of decision and blame. I do not condone anyone's behavior here and I hope that some day, you will see that there are two sides to every situation. I'm not sharing this with everyone because I do not want an attack of any kind to happen as the result of me having an opinion on something. I hate that the young ones have no say in what happens.

Just remember, all parties will hurt and feel the frustration with this and that no one escapes the results of their hastily made decisions.... Love you all very much.....Jan

Memories of life past

As I sit here thinking of my past, not dwelling on it mind you, I can see the good and bad of it. I don't feel like I wish or what if but more like I learned and I enjoyed... I went to the memorial for Ron Haroldsen today. They talked about some of the things that happened around the time John had died and also when the kids were growing up. It was interesting to say the least to see these families, some of which I hadn't seen since they were around 2 and 3. It was nice to know that the kids still knew me or knew about me. I was grateful that I went. The only time I felt awkward was when I talked to the dad. He's still the same oh same oh and for that I mentally smiled. What did I expect? It was a good time in spite of the circumstances. I felt like a chapter was finally closed and that after 26 years I could finally move on. That's a nice feeling.

I've had a perspective on the issues of the last week. Lots of death some of which I wish didn't happen but it did and we must move on. The violence in Clackamas OR, and the mass murders in Newtown, CT. It was devastating to say the least. The whole world was stunned by the news of the deaths of 20 children (between 5 and 7) and 6 adults (teachers and the principal). What a terrible thing to happen. Heavenly Father was there...the school followed the protocol set up and the rest of the children and adults were made safe. I know the reasoning doesn't make since when we try to understand why God didn't intervene and save everyone. It wasn't to be for he had need of these beautiful children and adults. A wonderful blessing for them but at this time, it will be tough for the families and friends left behind, not to mention the rest of the world.

I know that Heavenly Father has plans for us all and I can only hope that I will be worthy to my part. He is there for us. He will guide us and protect us. He loves all of his children. Our hearts were not the only ones that were broken that day...

82nd session of General Conference

Though I only watched the Saturday sessions, I was filled with the spirit. It left me feeling more confident and happy. There was no grey edges on the messages given. It was all straight forward and strong with warnings and compassion.

The various speakers each had a topic concerning our everyday lives. As they spoke you could feel the urgency in their voices and the love in their hearts. Speaking of all the different things we can do to prepare for our future with Heavenly Father and his wonderful son, Jesus Christ.

I will listen to today's sessions this week and prepare a more in depth study of the full session, with that in mind, please remember to follow the Prophets, Seers, and Revelators and accomplish the goals and heed their counsel...with love, Jan

Just feel like posting

Not sure what I want to relate, but gotta start somewhere. Today I seem to feel a bit tired. I don't know for sure if it is a physical tired or an emotional tired.

Perhaps, I am tired of the heat here and am impatient to move to the coastal range. Maybe I'm tired of the boring foods I eat and of worrying about eating too much. I could be tired of all the bad news on my various means of communication. It might be that I'm tired of all my excuses for not accomplishing more of the things I want to do.

Lots of things can make someone tired. For me, it's a matter of impatience most of my life. I've always been in a hurry to have everything done. I'm grateful for the time of accomplishment, but I want it over. Having the time lately to just sit and think of our future and the plans we want to do, has made me wonder if we are taking on too much but then I realize that nothing will be done without help from Heavenly Father. He knows what I want and is waiting for me to ask him. So, what's my problem? It's simple as praying which I do, but not as much as I should I suppose. First getting with him and finding out what order I need to do these things and then to gain the security of his help in the things he thinks I should do.

Being impatient is not a good thing and that's why I am putting off some of my goals (poor reason). I just don't want to rush things too fast. That is lame for sure. By the fact that I am writing this down, shows I am ready to do something about it. I tend to want to see things in writing to see how they really look. Reality is set for me that way.

I gotta say I am getting used to the things I can eat and tolerate. I also am enjoying the time that Gary and I have been using to check out where is best to move and some of the possibilities of what we can afford. I'm also enjoying the results of my weight loss and the energy I am gaining. So I guess being tired can't be too bad a thing now can it?

Not sure if

I am a literary genius today or not, but it has been awhile since I have written here or at the other blog site and since I don't feel up to making momentous decisions, I guess you are stuck with my literary prose. I have been noticing of late that people have been courageous to tell how they feel. Could it be that the meek are speaking out? Or is it that the patient have become impatient...never the less, it is happening. I suppose it's a big thing, but I've noticed that people are not hesitant to speak out when it comes to children and animals.

They are both holding a big place in my heart, those kids and puppies and kittens and...well, you get the idea. The latest snafoo is a situation here in Fresno, CA where once again, an ignorant drunken idiot has managed to plow down three members of a family on two bikes, claiming he didn't "SEE" them. Yet, as he drove away in complete oblivian, he actually had the cajonies to stop and call a 'friend' to tell him he made a big mistake or maybe he worded it more like, I think I did something wrong. His friend, being s wiser individual than himself, told him to go back to the accident sight. Thus, he did...the police immediately gave him the traditional sobriety tests and found his blood alcohol level at 1.1, please remember that .8 is legally drunk. A young life was lost, a little sister has physical and emotional problems for the rest of her life and dad is still in the hospital. Now, the drunk says he didn't know he dragged the boy a good ways before he was disconnected from the car.

Now my questions come. First, to how lawyer...what makes him a good guy because he came back to the scene of the crime? He fled it first which is already a crime isn't it? Second, how can he say he didn't do anything when he actually told a friend something that made the friend advise him to go back. Third, if he didn't know, how did he make it to the right place of the accident... Really? Are you kidding me?

Now, tell me how he thinks he can get away based on ignorance? Is the lawyer going to make him look like a humble, unassuming type? Or is he now a hero for going back to the accident. Not trying to be cold but, if he didn't know he did something, why does he feel remorse and sad? I feel sorry for his family. They have to deal with his ignorance and stupidity... So sad..

I am sorry for the family that lost their little boy and are waiting to know how his dad and baby sister are doing?

Let justice be done in this case... PLEASE!!

Everybody's Talking

about the tragic situation in Aurora, CO...The taking of 12 lives and injury to around 53 others. First thing I heard about this morning after I had gone to the Doctor... James Holmes was 24. He had taken diliberate steps to get his plan to run smoothly. He made a sophisticated bomb set up at his apartment across town and then went to the Cinema Theater complex and got his ticket. He was going to see the new Batman movie at the midnight special showing. He had in a period of 2 months, bought and paid for 4 different guns to use for his plan. He even bought barrel magazines of bullets to use. After the movie began and the audience got into the mood of the movie, he started working his plan. He got out of his seat and opened a side door and blocked it as he moved outside of the theater. When he came back, he was dressed from top to bottom in the gear of a army warrior..(I can't call him a Soldier as it's a name for honor), he had the four guns with him and a couple of canister gas grenades which he tossed into the seating of the audience. The cannisters popped and smoke filled the room...Immediately, he began to shoot into the audience and killed a total of 12 people that were trying to leave, even a 3 month old baby was killed, a young lady who had escaped the same scene in Canada only months earlier was also killed. The irony of who was able to leave on foot or on a stretcher. In total the firing took only a few minutes and then it was over...as he attempted to escape he was captured in the parking lot.

Meanwhile, the police are still trying to figure out how to get into the apartment to find the evidence of the prepration for this murderous ploy. According to his teachers and students who knew him, he was a well rounded type of person, very into learning and very gregarious, yet at the same time, he was quiet and stoic.

I was on such a high before I heard of this account. I was reading in the facebook of a member of congress who made outlandish statements of having a professional or regular person having a gun on himself could possibly have stopped James in his rampade. James had a gas mask, no one else did. How would the person know where James was and be able to shoot the gunman? That pissed me off...I couldn't concentrate on anything else for the rest of the day. It affected my plans and my attitude. Nothing seemed to follow me as hard as it did. I couldn't do anything right. I kept trying to pray for some respite and understanding that would make a demon do this kind of thing to innocent people. I could imagine the fear and unreasoning on the faces of the victims. I small room full of over 300 people  caught in chairs with no place to hide or get away. Yes, some did find a way and even some injured were able to get out of the movie theater with rescue units to help and take them to various hospitals in the area. I could not fathom the feelings this young man had, but also it scared me as I know how it feels to be in anxiety and depressed. I have Fibromyalgia, and in comparison to his situation, it is miniscule, but none the less, under different circumstances, I could be me out there doing dangerous things to others. I thank god that I was finally able to clear my head enough to pray for reason to stop my anger. He stepped in immediately and I felt fine after wards...

My Doctor visit? the first after my surgery last week...I LOST 10 lbs!!!

Ok, I don't usually have gripes BUT:

Today I am frustrated about something I heard on TV... I'm not into the conversations that were had in this case but the situation itself.

It seems that George Zimmerman went on Shawn Hannity's TV show yesterday and gave him an interview, which in itself is not a problem as anyone he wishes can interview. Here is where the stickler is... He had requested an interview with ABC's Barbara Walters for 20/20, upon arrival at the studios, he showed up dressed in T-shirt and Jeans. While he had dressed in a really expensive suit on Hannity. He then proclaimed that he wasn't doing the interview as he had some conditions that ABC would not agree too. All the while he complained about the lack of "money" and the "desperate" need he had for it. Barbara was very upset.

Now, knowing his "need" for money is desperate for him and his family, it makes me wonder how much the Hannity show paid him to show? Also, it was hinted by Barbara that Hannity must have advised Zimmerman not to do the interview.

My frustration is with the fact that Mr. Zimmerman showed his true colors wanting the money before anything. Yes, his family is in hiding because of death threats. Yes, he has to take care of an ailing mom and supply the needs of the family. I couldn't get the type of money he is suddenly demanding if I was accused of killing someone.

I think it is disgusting that we as Americans must continue to support a trial on someone that is so devious that he has to BEG for hundreds of thousands of dollars to survive. For goodness sake. Please get it people. And stop supporting an idiot. I'm not saying he is guilty, it's not my job, but please let this be on equal terms ok?

Dream or Premonition?

Last night I had a strange dream. I did something I never thought I would do...I woke up and jotted down some notes...so, here goes...
My dad was driving a large size SUV, Purple and tan color, I believe it was a Mazda...color dreams. We left  the town of Riverdale and drove to Hanford, CA...as we were driving the streets of Hanford, we had some really nice wide streets and suddenly we were on dirt roads, I recognized the area as around Durango, CO or maybe Red Mesa...strange, but that's how dreams go. As we continued to drive down these dirt roads, they turned into wooden logs, flat like a raft, we sojourned on and actually ended up on a full sustaining log road (I mean one large consistantly long log). Water surrounded us like a rice field, but there was no slippage  on the road, it lead us to a typical looking Ranch style, flat roofed house, of the color of white with brick red fringe. Others in the car were: Me, Suzie, Kathy and Robert. Dad was excited to show us this house.

We entered the home through a single wide door, the hallway was huge and spacious, as we entered, the house took on a larger stature, and we began to go into the living room. It was strange because we seemed to retrace steps to see every piece of furniture (furnished?) by walking past each one. Like, for instance, we walked on the outside of the couch, and then walked on the inside and saw the coffee table, turned around and found the side chairs and then ventured into the kitchen. There we stopped to see a young girl (one of Bob's granddaughters)  watching an older woman making some type of sauce, as we passed, the woman was telling the girl to be careful and softly beat the butter (it was melted) as she added the sugar to it..."We don't want foam, just a gentle flowing yellow softness." the lady said...Then, we went on to the hallways and that's where things got kinda weird. Each of us ventured into a separate room and declared it ours. Mine was a simple twin bed and a nice looking dresser with a wardrobe next to the far wall. I went to see Suzie's room and it was huge with two or three bedrooms off from the main one and a large bathroom between two of the smaller bedrooms, as I went to explore those, they seemed to break off into other sets of bedrooms and bathrooms. I started back towards my room and discovered the same thing. I had two major bedrooms off to the side of my room and a gathering of smaller bedrooms and bathrooms off from each. As I went into the hallway, I noticed a small elevator and went up stairs, There, my dad and my brother Robert were talking about getting the rest of the family over to this house as we were all going to settle down here together. Dad looked at me and said, "Do you suppose you will have trouble getting your family over here?" I shook my head as if to indicate it wouldn't be a problem. We continued to look around the house and it had developed into a large five story place with private rooms and family quarters for every member of the Green Family, Meadows family, and all the rest...All 7 kids with their family members and spouses (for those who had one), even those who had passed in the last 5 years or so. I mentioned earlier that we had gone into Colorado so, we had gone into the mountains.

 Another thing about this dream, was that we had stayed a few days to get our settlements in order. We went to church the following Sunday and Dad and Robert went to Priesthood meeting, They called a special group meeting where all the women, men and youth were invited. The children were left to be in Primary with a crew of 12 and 13 year old boys and girls to attend to them with music and stories. We were advised that the fast collections of the church were so large now that they had decided to start giving monetary assistance to the families less fortunate. The member was advised to find out how much exactly they would need, say to repair the roof. They were given the money needed and a allotted amount of time, if they did the project and it came out cheaper, they would give the difference back to help in another cause. If they failed to finish the project, or they tried to keep the money, it was taken away and they were punished. Various projects were constructed, finishing with everyone having a more organized situation for their homes and families. There was peace and structure throughout the area.

As I sit now and think of this, it occurs to me that it is a mixture of many things that I have done in the last few weeks or that Gary and I had talked about. When I look at the steps taken, it occurs also to me that we had started practicing Conservationism or the sharing programs described in the Doctrine and Covenants. It also shows that we had been advised to go to the mountains and high places as also described in the Doctrine and Covenants. I don't know the timing of all these steps and maybe I am just imagining what it might be like at that time, but it was interesting how quickly everyone accepted their responsibilities and went on with the plan. It also seems we lived in Ward boundaries and had set areas for each family. I was so grateful to see this firsthand in my dream and maybe, reality is part of the reason I had the dream in the first place...

Pain

In two ways today.. Sure wish I could be psychic. I guess I learned again how people and moods can be.

I've been having a tough last few days. The fibro is acting up to a major flare that hurts in so many ways, of course it makes me emotional and teary but I've been to myself about it except for sharing feelings with fellow sufferers of the disease. So, after spending a major portion of the day buried in my room, I ventured out to visit the family..

Wasn't there very long when a big misunderstanding came up and I was back in my room. Probably should have stayed there in the first place.

Sometimes we do things out of fear, anger, frustration and emotion , which is always my biggest killer. I don't think well when I'm all wound up. Tonight, I hope to once again resolve my issues and be a better person.

Heavenly Father keeps reminding me to check my temper and keep control of my anger. I know that lately I have tried so hard to maintain a positive attitude and to keep my spirits high.. Hopefully after much prayer and supplication, I will regain my composure and keep a good attitude.

Prayer

is often used for personal gain. I tend to pray for others more than asking for myself. Somehow, I feel I don't deserve the assistance or the need. I know it's not true but I need to deal with that myself...through what else? Prayer. None the less, here's what I am writing about today.

I've noticed a lot of requests for prayer, especially in Facebook, and special notices I receive. I feel it is my duty to help and assist all those who I can. Perhaps it's kind of imposing for me to write this but, How many times do you promise each day or at least a few times a week, to pray for somebody. I know I do this quite a lot. By the end of the timeframe, I have at least a half dozen people to pray for. Since I have a very short memory (some say NO memory) I juxtapose and pray for all to have the needs of their hearts and lives. Sometimes I feel pretty good at that remark, others' I feel confused. I feel as if I have gipped someone of the personal one on one that I think they need to get their prayer answered. Then, I realize that as long as I am sincere, it doesn't really matter how I say the prayer because the true meaning is connecting to God and asking for the assistance.

These last few weeks, I have noticed that friends and family have had need of prayer. Perhaps it's because I have attuned myself to be in the right place at the right time, or maybe it's something for me to practice more often than I have in the past. I only hope I am worthy to ask for help for me sometimes, I know Satan is trying me and keeping me from realizing my needs and wants. Perhaps, if I get into praying sincerely for others as I try, I will be able to finally ask for the assistance I need for myself. My life has always been others first...Me last, but I know Heavenly Father says to take care of your needs, then your children, your mate and finally the rest of the world, family and friends included.

I guess that means I have it backwards...I hope that it's all good for everyone, and I will be more honestly asking for the help I need. After all, he has done so much for me even if I'm not asking. What more will he do if I just ask? Also, follow up the prayer with supplication and more prayer...If you really want something, you really must work for it..

Using faith, we can attain a better understanding of prayer and what it really means...Listen to your heart and always remember, prayer is never meaningless and always a necessity...Prayer is the way to communicate with God..People make jokes about cell phone, texts and Heavenly Father, but if you put as much work into prayer as you do with the technology... our line is always open and we never have dropped calls...